"I" as a pronoun exists in some of our languages, but they were usually reserved for Seers, heroes, and Elders, and for... important things, you could say. I think it was that calling yourself "I" and not your name was seen as prideful or arrogant, it's pre-assuming that people already know who you are. We haven't really kept to that in the valley. It's a mix of different languages, and everyone has their own usages.
[She huffs amusement.] Very old, yes. I can't imagine being a human parent. The ones here tend to look very troubled when they have young.
He did. I hope he at least had the support of friends, though. It seems terribly sad to have a child and no one to help.
[Her father's stories hint at how small children were raised but it's not exactly a complete picture. The Yeerks kept kawatnoj penned with some caretakers making sure they exercised and were fed and watered, and the free Hork-Bajir pool their resources. A new-free isn't always able to care for a new child.]
No, humans don't remember anything about being babies. All I know about that stuff is what my dad and the gems have told me. I think the gems tried to help, sometimes, but they weren't very good at it. They were really upset about losing my mom, so at first they just kind of wanted to believe that I was her.
Yeah... gems just don't really understand how having children works. Though... it's kind of more complicated because I have her gem, and... that's kind of everything a gem is. So, I guess everyone just thought that she's hiding in there, or something.
Even I though that for a long time. I know it's not true now, though. She's... not anywhere anymore, I guess.
[That feel when you mom being super dead is actually a relief.]
Gone beyond, I suppose. That is more comfortable than imagining her like a silent Yeerk. How could anyone go on like that?
We freed a pregnant... female, or woman? [Terminology, ugh.] Woman. I will spare you the details, but she died and we were able to save her child. She never told anyone a name, and there was debate. I suggested giving her her mother's name, Ghet.
...Perhaps that was unkind. People say she is mother-Ghet's chance to be free and happy. I should watch her, when I go home.
[The comparison between his mom and a silent Yeerk sends a chill right through him, to the point that he trips over his words. He's really glad that he didn't have to hear that comparison before he discovered raw evidence of it not being the case.
Brr.]
I... I have one of my mom's names too. That's why my middle name is 'Quartz'. I think that's okay, when... nobody has a reason to think that they really are their mom, or whatever. Humans get named after their parents a lot.
It's just... hard to say goodbye. Isn't it? Even to someone you've never met...
[Toby also considers that it could be like his mother is a silent host - the ideal host, the broken host, who no longer thinks or struggles - and Steven the Yeerk, using the skills and talents she no longer has the ability or the faculties for, but that's if anything even more horrible and she's glad she didn't say it.]
Yes, there is that. I could tell a more unfortunate story too, but - yes. It's healthier being surrounded by people who understand how dying and having children works. Our parents and ancestors live on in us, but - more in the poetic sense, I have to think.
Even when someone is gone they leave an imprint. Has it been hard for you?
[Gems are much better at handling that kind of isolation and helplessness, but that phrasing would have completely fucked him up at an earlier canon point, my god. Thank god for terrifying out of body experiences.]
K... Kind of?
It's all a really long story. The situation with my mom kind of took over my entire life. It was just getting better when I ended up here...
[The phrasing she used in her tape would have become heavily unsettling.]
I can imagine, a little. Surrounded by people who knew her. Is being somewhere where her name has no special meaning better, in that regard?
[Toby wonders if she should say that she dreamed of meeting Rose, in one of those strange collective experiences that presages new people appearing. ...Maybe later.]
I guess they're like... my aunts? Like, my mother's family.
My mom was part of something called the Diamond Authority, who rule over all gems. Except... she was the youngest and smallest and the others didn't listen to her, so she faked her death and ran away to live on Earth.
The rest of the authority thought she was gone for thousands of years until I found out who my mom had been... and then they thought that I was just my mom pretending to be someone else. Some... stuff happened, and they finally understood, and they were willing to help me heal the gems their attacks on Earth hurt.
So now... I'm kind of Pink Diamond for them, but also not? Because of my gem, I have the right to rule as part of the Authority, but... I don't really want to do it like that. I just want to make things better, and I'm the only person they'll listen to. Because... I'm family.
[She's probably heard bits and pieces by now. Toby's faintly, wistfully envious; it sounds like the overwhelming conflict that's loomed over his life has broken and broken for the good.]
Sometimes ruling - well. Being in charge. Sometimes that's the best way to help. But it's a lot to take on, and it closes away some other options. And it means taking on a certain gravity that can be hard to bear. People look to their leaders, even ones they love, in a different way.
What is your ideal scenario with them? What do you want to happen, specifically?
[She knows how she wants her future to go, in broad strokes. If they survive the Yeerks than the humans will be the next problem. If the humans can see her people as people and to be respected - that would be something. Can she hope for it?]
I wish they'd understand what they need to do. And start changing things on their own. Maybe they will. I guess it hasn't been too long since we got things figured out.
It makes sense. You don't want everything to depend on you for perpetuity.
[She doesn't know if he's going to die, as humans do eventually; as someone with a short life, though, she doesn't have any denial of inevitable death in her.]
It shouldn't have to all depend on one person, however important that person might be.
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[She huffs amusement.] Very old, yes. I can't imagine being a human parent. The ones here tend to look very troubled when they have young.
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[Steven likes to think that if he ever has a kid, he'll also do okay. He definitely has a long list of things to not do.]
I don't actually know if my mom gave birth the normal way...
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[Her father's stories hint at how small children were raised but it's not exactly a complete picture. The Yeerks kept kawatnoj penned with some caretakers making sure they exercised and were fed and watered, and the free Hork-Bajir pool their resources. A new-free isn't always able to care for a new child.]
You don't remember?
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No, humans don't remember anything about being babies. All I know about that stuff is what my dad and the gems have told me. I think the gems tried to help, sometimes, but they weren't very good at it. They were really upset about losing my mom, so at first they just kind of wanted to believe that I was her.
That's kind of an ongoing problem I've had.
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Oh. Well, being born is very frightening. I don't imagine you're missing very much.
That sounds frustrating. People... struggle to understand that you are of your mother but not her come again?
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Even I though that for a long time. I know it's not true now, though. She's... not anywhere anymore, I guess.
[That feel when you mom being super dead is actually a relief.]
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We freed a pregnant... female, or woman? [Terminology, ugh.] Woman. I will spare you the details, but she died and we were able to save her child. She never told anyone a name, and there was debate. I suggested giving her her mother's name, Ghet.
...Perhaps that was unkind. People say she is mother-Ghet's chance to be free and happy. I should watch her, when I go home.
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Brr.]
I... I have one of my mom's names too. That's why my middle name is 'Quartz'. I think that's okay, when... nobody has a reason to think that they really are their mom, or whatever. Humans get named after their parents a lot.
It's just... hard to say goodbye. Isn't it? Even to someone you've never met...
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Yes, there is that. I could tell a more unfortunate story too, but - yes. It's healthier being surrounded by people who understand how dying and having children works. Our parents and ancestors live on in us, but - more in the poetic sense, I have to think.
Even when someone is gone they leave an imprint. Has it been hard for you?
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K... Kind of?
It's all a really long story. The situation with my mom kind of took over my entire life. It was just getting better when I ended up here...
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I can imagine, a little. Surrounded by people who knew her. Is being somewhere where her name has no special meaning better, in that regard?
[Toby wonders if she should say that she dreamed of meeting Rose, in one of those strange collective experiences that presages new people appearing. ...Maybe later.]
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At least nobody expects me to do anything in particular here. [He laughs softly] Back home, I think I have to help rule an entire empire now.
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That's quite a responsibility. Is it related to what you've said before - some emperor who is changing their ways because of you?
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My mom was part of something called the Diamond Authority, who rule over all gems. Except... she was the youngest and smallest and the others didn't listen to her, so she faked her death and ran away to live on Earth.
The rest of the authority thought she was gone for thousands of years until I found out who my mom had been... and then they thought that I was just my mom pretending to be someone else. Some... stuff happened, and they finally understood, and they were willing to help me heal the gems their attacks on Earth hurt.
So now... I'm kind of Pink Diamond for them, but also not? Because of my gem, I have the right to rule as part of the Authority, but... I don't really want to do it like that. I just want to make things better, and I'm the only person they'll listen to. Because... I'm family.
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[She's probably heard bits and pieces by now. Toby's faintly, wistfully envious; it sounds like the overwhelming conflict that's loomed over his life has broken and broken for the good.]
Sometimes ruling - well. Being in charge. Sometimes that's the best way to help. But it's a lot to take on, and it closes away some other options. And it means taking on a certain gravity that can be hard to bear. People look to their leaders, even ones they love, in a different way.
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I don't want to be a ruler, but... if I'm the only one that can do it, I have to try. I at least have to show the Diamonds that there's a better way.
Gems are like... really intense about their Diamonds. Way more than even regular queens and presidents and stuff.
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What is your ideal scenario with them? What do you want to happen, specifically?
[She knows how she wants her future to go, in broad strokes. If they survive the Yeerks than the humans will be the next problem. If the humans can see her people as people and to be respected - that would be something. Can she hope for it?]
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I wish they'd understand what they need to do. And start changing things on their own. Maybe they will. I guess it hasn't been too long since we got things figured out.
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[She doesn't know if he's going to die, as humans do eventually; as someone with a short life, though, she doesn't have any denial of inevitable death in her.]
It shouldn't have to all depend on one person, however important that person might be.